Partly because things have moved at a whirlwind speed since Panel and I've been completely distracted by it all, but mainly because the whole thing has felt so surreal and so fragile and so i somehow felt too vulnerable to bring myself to write any of it down. Also I am quite aware of the fact that now this is not just my story, its hers and so I need to be mindful of what I share.
When I say 'her' I mean our daughter to be, our little squidge!
We found out about Squidge on the day we were approved at panel, our SW gave us a brief overview of the CPR and told us to go away and think about it. If I'm honest everything seemed too good to be true, she was 7months at the time, a healthy, happy baby who had been in foster care from day one. This is not what we were expecting after our training. Another thing we weren't expecting was how smoothly it has all gone since then, I felt lucky but then realised it was just meant to be. Along the way there have been a lot of things that have made it feel like fate, little coincidences in small details, the timing and most of all how 'right' it feels. Fast forward to now and we have our matching panel in less than two weeks and our intro's start 5 days later, her nursery is ready, complete with a library of hand chosen books and I am busy washing and folding away all the clothes people have generously donated to us. My mind is a scramble of love and emotion, anticipation and fear at the moment and I feel almost constantly nauseous with anxiety and adrenaline. I am also, of course, completely over the moon with happiness. I will follow with a list of scrambled thoughts..
1. We met our Squidge the other day and it was the most incredible thing ever. Adopters don't usually meet their children until introductions start, however because of her young age she was there when we met with the Foster Carer and we were able to interact with her. We feel very lucky to have had this opportunity as it has cleared any fear from the start of intro's, made it all finally feel real and most importantly gave us the opportunity to see just how amazing our future daughter is. There were little moments from that meeting that I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life, like when she reached out to my hand and our fingertips touched for the first time. Magical is the best word but doesn't even begin to describe it.
2. I have been foraging blackberries and squirrelling them away in the freezer with the utter joyful thought of Squidge eating them. Each one has been lovingly picked with the thought of her enjoying this Autumnal tradition.
3. I daydream about life with her constantly and the wait is painful. I have these awful moments when I imagine something dreadful happening which means it all falls through.
4. Today is our 4th Wedding anniversary and also marks 4 years since we decided we would try to make a family. At times it has felt like an eternity of waiting and its been the toughest time yet but now it feels like we've got there. I'm proud of the way we found strength and took control of our lives in a positive way and It's payed off more than we could have ever imagined. Now when I look back I feel like its been a necessary journey, I feel like it was meant to happen this way and I honestly feel like this little Squidge who is about to be our love and our life is more special than making a child from our genes would have been!
5. I have been washing anything that fits into the washing machine.
Please help me fast forward time, just a couple of weeks, just this once...