This week was our Stage One Review (when Stage one ends and its time to progress into Stage Two, provided you are ready). We were keen to progress straight away, especially as I feel like I've been waiting for my family to start for a long time, more waiting seemed unnecessary. We also feel incredibly prepared for the next step, emotionally and practically - I think feeling so zen in Stage One is a sign that this is the right thing and at the right time. We breezed in to our meeting with our two SW's and a manager and all was well until they started talking about timeframes "Panel in Oct or Nov because SW has a heavy workload at the moment, then matching, nothing happens over Christmas, January is tricky so realistically you're looking at having children placed with you in the Spring"... This may sound fine to you, except all along we had been told that we would be probably looking at going to panel in Aug all being well with stage one (which it most certainly was with us), meaning having children placed before Christmas or shortly after I had guessed as a possible scenario - obviously theres no telling how long matching will take but you get my drift. But Spring.... That's a WHOLE YEAR FROM NOW....IT's SPRING NOW! I thought, but did that thing where you nod and smile and act like everything is fine because you don't want anyone to think you're emotional or desperate! I don't think I really heard anything else that was said after that, my mind was whirring and I felt sick.
We got home and I was sad and disappointed, Mr K was being logical and calm as usual so I decided to sleep on it. I woke up and cried, it was a tough day although i was still unsure wether it was an overreaction on my part, as so much emotion is invested in this, or wether in fact i was valid in feeling misled especially if the only reason we were being held back was because of our SW's particularly heavy workload. The next day I received an email from one of my new adoption friends who is at the same stage at our agency, it sounded as though her Review went really well and they had been told that they would be looking at going to panel in July. I was so happy to hear this for her, as this was what I had been expecting to hear and was in line with the pace I felt we were going, I must confess though this led to a Grade A Meltdown! It confirmed to me that panel dates are luck of the draw depending on your SW's workload, not in fact based on how ready YOU are to progress. I was reunited with all my emotions coming pouring out - I hadn't felt like this since our ivf failed, I had been so zen and calm for over a year it occurred to me. This was a reminder just how much emotion i do have invested in this. The reason it all came back I think is because we were being told to wait for what seemed like no reason, all those feelings of my life being completely out of my hands and being in some sort of sick 'Life Waiting Room' returned. After all, this is not some sort of sideline, this is my life, my WHOLE life and they are putting timeframes on it that feel wrong and unfair. Needles to say Mr K remained cool and logical, which quite frankly didn't help, I needed sympathy and understanding .
We got home and I was sad and disappointed, Mr K was being logical and calm as usual so I decided to sleep on it. I woke up and cried, it was a tough day although i was still unsure wether it was an overreaction on my part, as so much emotion is invested in this, or wether in fact i was valid in feeling misled especially if the only reason we were being held back was because of our SW's particularly heavy workload. The next day I received an email from one of my new adoption friends who is at the same stage at our agency, it sounded as though her Review went really well and they had been told that they would be looking at going to panel in July. I was so happy to hear this for her, as this was what I had been expecting to hear and was in line with the pace I felt we were going, I must confess though this led to a Grade A Meltdown! It confirmed to me that panel dates are luck of the draw depending on your SW's workload, not in fact based on how ready YOU are to progress. I was reunited with all my emotions coming pouring out - I hadn't felt like this since our ivf failed, I had been so zen and calm for over a year it occurred to me. This was a reminder just how much emotion i do have invested in this. The reason it all came back I think is because we were being told to wait for what seemed like no reason, all those feelings of my life being completely out of my hands and being in some sort of sick 'Life Waiting Room' returned. After all, this is not some sort of sideline, this is my life, my WHOLE life and they are putting timeframes on it that feel wrong and unfair. Needles to say Mr K remained cool and logical, which quite frankly didn't help, I needed sympathy and understanding .
I decided to email the manager who had been in our meeting and voice my feelings, we then spoke on the phone this morning and she was so understanding and helpful, i almost couldn't believe it (as I am obviously well aware that we do not live in a perfect world, nor one that revolves around me and sometimes workloads do have to be juggled, also this new adoption process is in its very early stages so is being tweaked along the way). However she agreed with everything I said and was also unhappy with the timeframe the SW had given us, she said she felt there was no reason why we should be delayed like this and understood exactly how I felt, also its not in their interest to have potential adopters hanging around in the system. She also mentioned that they had never had so many adopters ready to progress into stage two before so were feeling the strain, she finished by reassuring me that it would all be happening this year for us and i didn't have to worry myself with thinking about it as that was her job, she just wants us to do our part and feel happy and empowered whilst doing it. it was also commented that i needn't worry about 'making a fuss' it just proves to them that I am able to fight for my family and will make a great Mum when I need to fight for my Children. Wow what a star. I'm so glad I mentioned it!
And so all is calm and zen agin here. This has just made me realise that I was a fool to think this wasn't going to be a roller coaster, and this is probably the first meltdown of many!